How I learned to parent more mindfully and less reactively.

I want to start this post by saying — I don’t think there is a right way to parent, or that one style of parenting is superior to others. In fact, I believe that every parent-child relationship is unique, and the way you choose to parent should speak directly to the relationship between you and your child. For instance, I have the honor of being a mother to two amazing individuals who are very different from one another. Here’s where parenting mindfully comes in: I cannot parent them the exact same way, or choose one style of parenting, like attachment parenting, when they have different needs. There is the obvious way we take care of children — by loving, nurturing, feeding, and providing safety and protection the best we can. How we make parenting decisions, depends solely on how mindful we are as parents and as individuals.  

This is how I define being mindful while parenting kiddos; you are constantly aware of yourself in each parenting moment, and your reaction is thoughtful, intuitive and clear with its intention. When I practice mindful parenting, I rely on my instincts. Not in a hasty or reactive way, but rather mindfully and consciously. Do you tend to interpret instinctive practices as being quick, reactive or impulsive? In some cases, this may be true, but for me it means quite the opposite.  Tapping into your instincts is a process, and it requires practice. In order to use your instincts, you have to be mindful. Instincts can only be accessed when we’re self-aware and present. Here are my 4 steps to access your instincts when navigating the parenting ship. This methodology has served me well in all decision-making aspects of my life, not just parenting. 

Pause

Acknowledge

Respond

Reflect

Pause

In theory, this sounds easy, but I promise it was one of the hardest steps for me to learn. We live in a fast-paced world where decisions need to be made quickly. When you parent, it’s no different. We’ve adopted this methodology of quicker is better. And when we react quickly, we don’t have to look inward to decide what our decision says about us. What does that mean? 

Let’s say your child has a meltdown. You and a group of parents are at a park, and now it’s time to leave, but your child wants nothing to do with leaving. Think about how you react when you’re alone at home versus being with a group of parents and friends. I’m certain, that you have a completely different internal experience depending on the environment. In public, our feelings of insecurities, shame, embarrassment and judgment from others, all play a huge role in how we react. Now, if we don’t take a minute to pause, we will react from this insecure space. Our kiddos are so in tune with us, the minute we operate from this space, they know it! Guess what happens? The meltdown intensifies.

I know this from my own experience. Now you’re on a hamster’s wheel, because the meltdown intensifies your reaction. This exchange continues until one of you gives up. Let me state clearly: There is no judgment here. I have been there, and I continue to grow and learn as a parent myself. Now let’s go back to step 1, Pause, and don’t react. This dramatically changes the course of the meltdown, not to mention your response to it. All that’s asked of you in this step is to pause for 5 seconds and breathe. Once this happens, we move right into step 2.

Acknowledge 

In the example above, if you stop and look inward you’ll realize your insecurities have the potential to play a role in your decision-making. The second you realize this; you’ve identified a trigger. Now the trigger itself — feeling insecure or unsure of yourself as a parent in front of others — needs to be explored more deeply, but not now. You’ll get to that once it’s time to reflect (step 4). At the moment, you just have to realize any decisions you make from this insecure place will probably not end well. Realistically speaking, time is usually of the essence when your child is completely losing control of themselves. In this step you are recognizing that you’re feeling insecure, which has the potential to significantly affect your reaction. When you pause and then identify a trigger, you force yourself to reexamine the situation. Let’s move right into step 3.

Respond 

Look at the situation with your new calm insight, and consider the entire event. You already know there is an undesirable behavior happening. You’re feeling insecure about how this is playing out in front of everyone. This is when you decide how to best handle the situation. Maybe you agree on 5 more minutes, and you set a timer. You can redirect your child by explaining there is something enjoyable for him in the car. Maybe you decide you need to calmly pick him up and just put him in the car and go. The point is, you will be able to better assess the situation once you’ve walked through the previous steps. It’s in this moment of calm, consciousness that your instincts can be heard. You will feel clearer about what your kiddo needs in that moment.

Reflect

Please hear me out when I say this: You must do this step. It will guide and improve your decisions moving forward. When I practice this last step, be it with my own children or when I am working with a child, it gives me the insight needed to serve myself and the child in a more meaningful way. More importantly, it allows me to revisit my intention in every situation. Look, there are times when I reflect, and I know I messed up or I could have done better. That’s OK! What’s not OK is if we don’t reflect, and therefore, never realize our errors. When you reflect, ask yourself, “Did I identify what I felt when the event happened? Did I react from a space of clear intention? What could I do differently next time?” 

During the reflection step, take a minute to dig deep. It will probably require you to feel vulnerable and face some hard truths. Sometimes, that can be the best part. We enter a space where we look to grow as a parent, and if done right, as an individual. Through this process of reflection, we gain insights into ourselves that are there for us to discover. Our children are helping us unlock these discoveries.

I use these 4 steps anytime I’m faced with a situation that warrants a response. The process also works for all ages, from toddlers to teenagers and young adults. This is a journey that will grow you in the best ways possible. Stay open, remove judgement toward yourself and others and practice these 4 steps toward parenting mindfully. 

Your Tasks

I would love to hear how you implemented the 4 steps: pause, identify, respond, reflect. Which step was challenging? What was helpful? Did you recognize something in yourself? Were any insights gained? Can’t wait to hear from all of you!